• CrapGlossary of terms

  • “Beach-break”
    The act of being dumped straight onto the beach by the sloppy shore break that is the natural habitat of the crap surfer. It was once believed that these kinds of waves only existed in cartoons but I discovered the truth after landing on my head in Polzeath circa 1992.
    The breaker is not so much a physical thing as in a breaking wave, it’s more of an existential thing, it’s the last wave that you attempt before you are washed ignominiously back to shore with  your dignity in tatters. 
    “Dole surfer”
    Like the better known “Soul surfer” but with a more extensive knowledge of daytime TV.
    Stuff that proper surfers can do that you can’t.
    “Hanging ten”
    Hanging ten feet from the shore because the waves are really scary.
    “The Line-up”
    A kind pf aquatic post office queue that is designed to prolong your inevitable humiliation.
    “Surf Spot”
    A generic term for any of a number of skin blemishes that can be caused by swallowing faecal matter while attempting to impersonate a surfer.
    “The Take-off”
    The critical moment. You have identified your wave, you have positioned yourself nicely on your board and you now begin to paddle with all of your might in an attempt to tap into the oncoming breaker’s kinetic energy. The only problem is that nobody has told the wave which continues to roll on ineffectually beneath you, completely oblivious to your presence and the fact that your surfboard is the size of Wales.
    The “Late take-off”
    Very similar to the standard “take-off” in preparation but very different in end result. You are now the sole object of the wave’s attention, it wants you to meet the relatives, it wants to pick out curtains, it knows the name of a bloke who can fix your surfboard.
    “The Tate-take off”
    The artistic style of surfing seen off St Ives.
    “Local’s only”
    You can’t surf here unless you’re married to your sister.
    “last one to the Dogger bank is a lifter”.
    “The Roller”
    The designated joint maker. The member of a surfing group that is expelled from the sea in order to get on with something he actually CAN do.
    “The Set”
    To have made a twat of yourself on every break in a geographical region. To have “the full- set”.
    The feeling of excitement and optimism that one experiences as they dash down to the sea, “It’s going to be different this time, it’s really going to be different”………only to emerge five minutes later humiliated and depressed because as we all know it’s never going to be different.
    Vicious localised chaffing caused by the wearing of an antique wetsuit.
    It’s a beautiful image isn’t it. The protean surfer recognises a “spot” (see spot) that nature  has blessed with good surf, a fine strip of white sand and a nice palm tree under which he can build his humble “surf shack”. He will construct it from charmingly wonky bits of casually nailed together drift wood, he will adorn it with bits of flotsam and jetsam and in so doing he will have created a kind of temple where like minded souls can gather and for a small offering, maybe take out a surfboard and a wettie so that they too might worship in the mother ocean……….. Well guess what? It’s all a load of bollocks!  The “surf shack” is in reality a high street chain store in some god forsaken, urine soaked hell hole, usually Newquay, where one could wander for days without the slightest danger of ever encountering any ACTUAL surf equipment. If you want a postage-stamp sized bikini you’re OK.  If you want any of a million surf branded hoodies, you’re OK, if you want sunglasses you’re definitely OK, if you want to go surfing however then you stand more of a chance getting kitted out at the post-office than you do in a sodding “surf shack”
    “Wave selection”
    The method by which you choose the degree of your humiliation.
    This is what you have to do to the inside of your wet suit after encountering any wave over 1 foot.

    Get yourself a woodie, get yourself a girl and you’re halfway to paradise…….. Oh and a camper van where you can shag her might be useful.

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